Weddings are so lopsided that it boarders on complete and utter unfairness. It is all about the bride and almost nothing about the groom. Men might as well just turn into cellophane until it is time to say I Do. In a world of equality, the one thing that has not changed and shows no signs of morphing is the wedding.

Eve the nickname is feministic. The brides big day, give me a break; why not, the grooms big day? Men have been programmed into thinking, (Probably by our mothers and other female family members.) to think of it as a woman's day. All the major decisions about your wedding are going to be made by the bride. I suppose it is their way of practicing for how they are going to run your lives for the next one hundred years.

Have you ever seen a man shop for a tuxedo for more than half an hour? You won't because the man's outfit at the wedding is just not that important. We have to wear one because some woman a couple of thousand years ago decided to stick the groom in a black suit and stand him in a corner until it was time to get married. Then they stuck that line about love, honor, and obey into the vows and winked at each other knowing that would give us the false sense of power that we would be carrying into the rest of our lives.

The bride makes all the decisions about the wedding including its location. What is wrong with having the wedding at our favorite pub? Hey, if it were up to the man, this is the way to go. You have a built in bar, plenty of chairs, a bandstand, food, a dance floor, and we could still put the game on the big screen. The perfect, money saving solution that will not even be considered by the bride. If you want the summer wedding favors and she wants the beach wedding favors, brother, wax your surfboard because you cannot win. It just ain't happening.

They treat us like we have no taste or common sense when it comes to planning a wedding. It is almost as if they think we are just one generation removed from dragging knuckles and cannot make wise wedding decisions. Well, the fact of the matter is, we can make a wise wedding decision when we put our minds to it. (Hey, I was not joking about the pub location,) Why not get married on the field of the Steelers game at halftime? There would be plenty of witnesses, they've provided their own food, the entertainment is great, there is bound to be a preacher in the stands who will come out and marry us for free and if not, I think the head referee has the power to perform weddings. You know, "By the power vested in me by the state of Pittsburgh and the NFL, I now pronounce you, husband and wife." Then he could blow the whistle to cue the marching band! What husband would not want dancing, half naked cheerleaders, you know, for moral support and spiritual guidance.

It is the ultimate wedding that every boy dreams about growing up. Do you think it will ever happen? Probably not, since we were programmed not to argue about it. I tell you what, stick me in a black suit and stand me in a corner somewhere. I'll be ready when she is.